North Carolina native Rachelle Danielle, Author of Gut Feeling, released a new book inspired by her own life entitled, Still My Mommy. In her latest work, Rachelle (portrayed as Kaitlyn in the book) has a life-changing experience at what she describes as “an unimaginably young age,” when she overhears a conversation about her mother’s battle with substance abuse. Her innocence crushed, Kaitlyn navigates childhood on thin ice, being careful not to shatter the image of perfection that she carefully constructed to mask the internal struggles that emerged from her mother’s demons. While substance abuse within families is not a rare phenomenon, it is a topic that is often avoided in Christian dialogue. Semi-functional addicts look just like everyone else. They may bring their children to church every Sunday, show up to their extracurricular and educational events, while battling addiction to illicit substances at the same time.
We had the pleasure of talking with Rachelle at Gospel Pages to discuss her latest book. We asked what inspired her to share such intimate details of her family and life with the world. “Everything we do is for ministry if we allow it to be. I just wanted to show how God brought me through. A lot of times in the [Church] community we don’t want to address real issues. This is my way of moving my mat and addressing what’s actually going on.”
Rachelle definitely has a point. Based on data published by the National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), an average of 2.1 million children in the United States age 17 or younger live in households with at least one parent who is an illicit drug abuser. One could wonder how many Church families are included in that 2.1 million – some who could be considered functional based on their performance and attempts to keep things looking “normal.” “My mom always got clean enough to come to my awards ceremonies and concerts,” Rachelle recalls. “She made sure I attended church regularly.”
We asked Rachelle if she ever felt like her life was in danger during these times in her childhood. “My mom never introduced me to different men she may have dated, and she always made attempts to assure her time away was at a fun, safe place for me. The only time I felt potential danger at all was one night when my mother and I had to stay in a shelter and a racist remark was made, but my mother quickly removed me from the shelter and took me to my aunt’s house.”
Rachelle says that she has been writing her whole life. “My mom was on drugs and I could never talk about it. When it got really bad, I moved in with my grandma who gave me a spiral-bound journal. Journaling was so healing that I continued to do it.” Deciding to pursue writing as a career, she majored in mass communication and journalism in college at first. Her parents persuaded her to switch to accounting under the impression that it would be more lucrative – a decision that Rachelle deeply regrets.
In Still My Mommy, Rachelle shares that her father was away in the military during much of the rough patches in her childhood. We asked if she felt his absence contributed to her inner battles. “My dad was always there for me and offered me a home with him and his wife, but I was afraid of the effect it would have on my mother.” According to Rachelle, her mother would pull herself together enough to be present whenever Rachelle would have an accomplishment. “I was in a constant struggle to overachieve in order to win the approval and sobriety of my mother. I felt a sense of obligation…she always got clean enough to show up when I did something great. She seemed to transfer her anger with herself onto me, so anything about me that reminded her of herself, she criticized heavily.” Rachelle channeled her anger at her mother in a way that forced her to push forward towards a successful life.
The first book by Rachelle, Gut Feeling, was published through an agency. She decided to self-publish this one due to negative experiences with the first book. We asked if she had any tips for writers regarding publishing options. “Trust your gut with publishing companies. Publishing companies will do things that aren’t always ethical. Don’t ever go against your morals nor compromise integrity for money. At the end of the day you must live with yourself. Be persistent. Treat writing like a part-time job. Have a writing schedule and stick to it. Don’t expect to get rich overnight.”
When asked how she was able to continuously forgive her mother and overcome the internal battles with self-esteem resulting from her childhood, Rachelle shared that she sought professional counseling. “I tried going to pastors in the church for counseling and insight but found no help and felt that my words were used against me with my mother.” She does not discourage others from seeking in-church counseling. She advises everyone to check credentials and be sure that the person doing the counseling has received formal training in that area.
Fortunately, Rachelle did not become a negative statistic of her childhood. She attributes that to being obligated to attend church, to her grandmother’s earnest prayers for her and her mother, and to her relationship with God. Thankfully, her mother has beat addiction and now uses her testimony to help others in similar situations. Rachelle would like Gospel Pages readers to know what to look for when dealing with children who are victims of household substance abuse. “Kids talk too. Kids notice changes in behavior so don’t treat them like they are oblivious…don’t try to act like nothing is going on. Have the conversation. Don’t leave them to figure out things…it’s too much pressure for children who have wild imaginations.”
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